Golf Humour

Sitting here earlier today, watching the rain running down the windows, The Naked Golfer turned his thoughts from the cold outdoors to the world of golf literature. Mainly my thoughts were about how few good golf publications there actually are for the avid golfer; for someone who really knows and loves the game.

Of course there there are the odd exceptions, such as John Feinstein's excellent 'A good walk spoiled - Days and Nights on the PGA Tour' or his equally good follow up book 'The Majors'. I can also recommend William Hallberg's excellent golf novel 'Rub of the Green'. All of these are well worth looking out for.

However, when it comes to golf humour, I rarely (if ever) see it done very well.

So it gives me great pleasure to put you onto this little gem I have uncovered, which will almost certainly give you genuine laugh out loud moments, for those times (like today) when the weather keeps you tucked up inside.

It is a book by the well known American comic writer Carl Hiaasen entitled 'Fairway to Hell'. I was familiar with Hiaasen after having one of his novels, 'Sick Puppy', recommended to me in the UK a number of years ago. I had no idea from his previous work that Hiaasen was a golfer, and as it turns out, he isn't.

You know you're onto a winner when the first line of the book reads;

'In the summer of 2005, I returned to golf after a much needed lay-off of thirty-two years.'

For today I thought I would share with you a short passage from the book to whet your appetite. Whatever you have to do, get your hands on this book!

We all know someone like this, and more often than not, deep down, you know it's yourself. Replace the water with Out-of-Bounds and it could be any member at Tauranga!

"There's nothing as sickening in golf as the splash of a $4 (US) ball in a ten foot deep lake. That's why I reverted to my high-school custom of deploying 'water balls' on high risk tee shots.

"A water ball is any ball that you don't mind losing - preferably one for which you did not pay. Some golfers swipe balls from the practice range (attention Golf Fusion!) for use on water holes, but that's tacky. Besides, range balls take such a daily drubbing that they often lose their juice, and can be undependable on long carries.

"The ideal water ball is an inexpensive yet unmarred specimen that you stumble upon while searching the rough for one of your own. These little gems go into a special zippered pocket of my golf bag, along with some lower priced balls that I purchased at a discount sports store.

"The theory behind using water balls is to provide the shaky player with a perverse sort of immunity. It's a known golfing fact that the odds of dunking a ball decline in direct proportion to its retail value.

"This makes perfect sense, given the warped and jangled psyche of the average golfer. I tend to take a smoother, more relaxed swing at a found ball because, what the hell, it's a freebie. More often than not, I'll clear the hazard with yardage to spare.

"And the times I fail aren't nearly so aggravating, the sting of the drubbed shot being mitigated by the satisfaction of having just saved myself four bucks. That's the sort of pitifully contorted reasoning to which the insecure and inconsistent golfer clings.

"Acquaintances who are excellent players deride the water ball tactic, saying it fosters a defeatist attitude. They claim that taking a premium ball out of the sleeve an slamming it over a gator infested lagoon builds character and self confidence.

"Well, I've tried that and guess what? Hooking a brand new Pro V1 into the drink is like totaling a Testarossa while pulling out of the sales lot. It makes you want to puke."

The whole book is in much the same vein, and for someone who has only a passing relationship with the game, Hiaasen has a remarkable ability to get straight to the heart of the matter. So much so in fact that you will find yourself saying "Yes, yes that's it! I do that! I've seen people doing exactly what he's talking about!"

Also there is an amusing "Forewarning" to the book written by CBS commentator David Feherty.

Anyway, I hope you are able to find a copy and enjoy it as much as I have. Looks like a wet week ahead, so fingers crossed that whatever day (or days plural for the majority of you) is your golf day the golfing gods are on your side and keep things dry.

And yes, I have joined as a follower on my own blog so that "Chopper" isn't on his own up there.

Good Golfing

The Naked Golfer

Green Keepers Revenge and Pro Shop Comps....

The Naked Golfer had his first (and likely last) crack at the Green Keepers challenge on Thursday. These people have truly sick minds. Those guys down in the Greens shed must have had a lifetime of abuse from golfers or something because they really do seem to hate us don't they?

Joking aside, it was interesting to see how well our course can be defended from good scoring by some strategic (sadistic) positioning of the flags and an increase in the green speed. The call in my group whenever someone hit the green on a par 3 became "good luck for your 3" as opposed to the traditional well wish for the birdie.

All in all an enjoyable experience though, and long may it continue. (Although I will be scrutinizing my calendar very carefully before venturing out on another Thursday!)

Moving along, word on the street reaches my ears about some discontent around the way the pro shop runs the haggle on days where members are playing matches. The Mens committee has noticed, it seems, that a rule of golf (No33 if you're interested) is being breached whenever golfers enter the pros stable-ford comp on a day when they are playing a scheduled match.

Now, no matter what your opinion of this (for example you might think "So what? I like going in the comp. It doesn't make a difference does it?") there is no escaping the fact that it is not within the powers of any committee (well, possibly the R & A committee) to waive a rule of golf. No matter how insignificant it may seem, if a committee waives one rule because it suits them, where does it stop? Do we tee off 20 yards in front of the markers because we find a particular hole too long? Do we just pick up all the 4 foot putts and write down that we holed it because we're scared we might miss? Do we kick it out from under a tree because we don't fancy the lie? Of course not, and in the view of the Naked Golfer, this matter is no different.

The rules governing stroke play and match play are fundamentally different. There are different penalties for the same infraction in the different forms of the game, and for some rules you have different dropping options or suchlike for match play than you do for stroke play. Anyone who is engaged in a match as their primary form of play for the day, can't really put their hand on their heart and say they are having a formal stroke play round as well.

I applaud the honesty of the Committee in bringing up an issue that is obviously unpopular in some quarters. At the end of the day, we are all members of a golf club, and golf is the game we love and commit our leisure time to. We must follow the prescribed rules of our game, or else it's not really golf at all is it?

Anyway, it seems that some compromise has been reached in that the players who are involved in match play can still enter the side bets for the 2's and the hidden hole. Hopefully the people in power will get their heads together soon and clarify this so that the members can have some certainty moving forward.

I will also add that the club has a responsibility to reinvigorate it's match programme, so that members have competitions they are excited about being involved in, and take pride in the trophies they are competing for. It seems back to front to me (but understandable none-the-less) that members are more worried about a side bet in the pro shop than they are about their main club event. At the end of the day it's our club, we are the stakeholders, so if we aren't enjoying the product that is being served (not just in terms of club comps, but every aspect of club life) then we will make the choice to go elsewhere. Anyway, possibly a topic for a future blog!

So there it is, I have my first game of golf under my belt (albeit a fairly disastrous one) in the slow build up to the stroke play champs in 3 weeks time. Lots of work to do between then and now so I'd best get too it!

The Naked Golfer

P.S Welcome to the blog Chopper as the first official follower! Tell your friends.....

Welcome!

Greetings.

I am The Naked Golfer and welcome to my blog.

What is this all about? Good question!

The purpose of this blog is to invite you, the golfer, into the mind of one of your fellows. It is often said that golf is a game that is 80% mental (or is that 80% of golfers ARE mental?) however we seldom, or never, get the opportunity to peer into the inner workings of the minds of our golfing comrades. Well here's your chance!

As we move into this busy time of Club competition, with the Club strokeplay champs in August rolling into the matchplay champs in September, culminating in finals' day in October, I thought I would take the opportunity to record my thoughts and actions for posterity (and your amusement). You will have the opportunity to follow The Naked Golfer from now, as I start planning my glorious(!) campaign, right through to finals day and the hoisting of the club championship in my grade. (NOTE: May not actually happen)

Hopefully, by the end of this, you will have learnt that all golfers, whatever their level of expertise or experience, go through exactly the same things as you do. Sitting at work thinking about your next game (or your last). Re-living that perfect 7 iron you hit at that par 3, and not being able to help having a little smile at the thought. Fretting about that fizzing snap hook you sent into the racecourse off 13 last week, and how it's bound to happen again on Saturday, bound to!! And why am I off 13 again?! Every week! Raging internally and shaking a mental fist at the Golfing Gods as you trudge down to 13 once more, already saying "Provisional, Top-Flite 3" to yourself before you even hit the first one.

Oh yes my friends, I live in this head space as well, as do all golfers somewhere deep down (some are just hiding it better).

I will try my best to let you in on how I'm feeling as the rounds progress. I will analyse what I have done well and what I have done badly, and how I can improve. I will keep you up to date with any practice (snigger!) that I do before we get underway in August, and what is working well or not so well with my game. Mostly however, I hope that YOU will take something away from this, even if it's just the consolation that there's someone else out there suffering as badly as you are. Maybe there will be things that I do that you will want to adopt into your own game or routine (unlikely), or maybe you will just take a perverse pleasure in my failure to qualify and my slow decline into insanity as the 3 footers just continue to stay above ground.

Whatever it is you take from this, I hope you enjoy it.

Naturally as time moves on it will be increasingly difficult to keep my identity hidden. All part of the fun I guess. Obviously I won't be too precise with my exact scores, but will certainly give you an indication of how satisfied I am and where I'm standing relative to the competition. And keep reading, as there's every chance you may find yourself starring (under a code name) if we play together, or if some humorous misfortune befalls you that I shall be obliged to recount in the blog!

Finally for today, please don't read the blog hoping for some kind of technical instruction. I am a technical incompetent when it comes to golf technique. Basically, I know you hold onto the rubber bit, aim yourself in the general direction of intended travel, and hit the go button. I am not Jay Carter (small mercies) so he is the first name eliminated from The Naked Golfer suspects list. (I will not actually be playing naked, not that I have any aversion to nudity, in fact I'm all for it, but it would be too easy to spot me in the Saturday field). I can confirm though that I will be naked under my clothes.

Well golfers, good luck! I hope as many of you are making the effort to play in the Club champs as possible. It really is the biggest time of the year for the club, and the better we support it, the better it is. Remember, your name will be up on that board forever! And that's a long time.

See you on the fairways! (and the rough, and in bunkers, and under trees, and looking for balls in the racecourse, and most importantly, upstairs for a cold one afterwards)

The Naked Golfer

P.S Don't forget to leave your feedback! Stories about triple bogeys and temper tantrums particularly appreciated! Tell your friends.......